Perspective, Priorities, and Purpose

So I've been working on this grad school list since I finished up PL and it's coming along. It's been weird though. In a year, I'll be getting ready to go to grad school, start a new chapter in my life, and begin to develop myself as a student affairs professional. It really just baffles me. I've been working with first-year students all summer and I never forgot what my orientation was like, my peer leader, and my whole first year as a whole. I remember it so vividly, but now, the beginning of the end is here: senior year.

There's a piece of me that's always freaking out and while the thought of grad school excites me, it scares me as well. Last time I was talking to Michele about grad school, she called me out because I was literally gripping onto my clipboard as I was talking to her about it. It's just a different experience and something new--a transition--and I'm nervous, but I'm glad because she always give me reassurance.

During transfer orientation last night, I was talking to her about how I've started my search and although I'm moving along, I'm a little unsure if I'm doing everything I'm suppose to be doing. I told her I'm still nervous, even though I know that I'll be okay, I'm just still nervous. So she sent me this article called "From the Barrio to the Academy: Revelations of a Mexican American 'Scholarship Girl'" by Laura I. Rendon. It kind of just talked about this woman who is high ed professional and how when she was going to go to college and grad school, she got some resistance from her parents and she was nervous to leave, but she followed through with her dreams and now she has her doctorate and works in higher ed. So I've kinda been focusing on that part of the article since there were some parts that I could really relate to and...I don't know...I've just been thinking about it. The end of the article talked about how institutions of higher education change minority students, but the students should change the institutions too.

So I sent Michele my initial reaction to the article and this is what I got back:

Reading that just made me smile. It's so cool that Michele shared that with me and I can't wait to talk with her about it. I remember that when I was going to Arizona, I was telling her how my parents were reacting and she briefly mentioned how her parents didn't let her go too far for her undergrad and it was just a Latino parent kind of thing, I guess. But--now that I think of it--I think she went to Alaska for grad school? I remember her telling me she used to live there one time... Hm. Maybe Michele and I have a lot more in common than I thought we did hahaha =]

What has me thinking the most is that last sentence: It has had a huge impact on my perspective, priorities, and purpose. So, entering my senior year and getting ready to apple to grad school, what's my perspective, priority, and purpose?

The End of an Era

I made it!!!!!!! hahahahaha

I don't even know where to begin. We had our banquet last week and now I'm just at home chillin'. Well, I still have my cough and a sore throat, but I'm on antibiotics, so ninja is on her way to being back to 110% =]

Like how I mentioned in my last post, being PLC is definitely a challenge. I have grown a lot and learned a whole lot from the position and from the PL Program in general. I am so so so so so grateful to have been given this opportunity three times. It's almost too good to be true because I know there are some people who never get this opportunity at all... Thinking back on all three years, it's crazy how much I've grown from this experience. I remember my first year and how quiet I was and how Jason helped me break out of my shell my first year. It was only a few years ago, but it feels like such a long time ago.

The banquet was a nice wrap up of everything. I'm so proud of everyone and how much they've grown... In my eyes, everyone has grown--even if it's only a little bit--from this experience. This team was phenomenal. Yeah, we had our ups and downs, but all good teams do and it's fine as long as we make ourselves better, together.

It's weird because in the back of my mind this whole summer, I kept thinking if I was doing a good job. Yeah, I had Yosayra, Lindsay, and Liz told me I was doing a good job lots of times, but--to be honest--hearing it from my peers made me feel like I was really doing a good job. I was literally showered with love at the banquet. I got the award for most dedicated and passionate and the above and beyond award too! What kind of caught me off guard was how I was going up to get the award and I saw my roommate, Anny, stand up and start clapping for me and then (I guess I took a bit to walk up there) I was in the front of the room and the whole room gave me a standing ovation. Even thinking of it now, I'm still baffled by it. I've never...had that happen to me before. It was so weird, but so amazing and rewarding at the same time. A bunch of the PLs also came together and bought me a new iPad case (with a keyboard!!) and it's going to be so helpful once classes start! I also got a frame with pictures from my past three years as a PL and one with my name and words that people described me with. Gosh, I feel so happy inside.

It's just rewarding. I hope I never ever forget those moments. I got thank you cards and people wrote the sweetest things in them and I put all of them up on my door so I can see it everyday. Wow. Gosh. It's just weird... This year was different. I went back to the apartment after the banquet and cried. It's just weird. People kept thanking me for everything and wrote how they look up to me and I'm a role model for them---like what? I've never had so many people look at me that way before... But, it's good though. It makes me want to become a better person because people look up to me. =]

My roommate, Anny, brought our room together after the banquet with Liz and she thanked each of us and gave us presents, which was really cute. She made me a dream catcher and a key chain holder. What she said keeps playing over and over again in my head: "Girl, I don't even know where to begin. I look up to you so much because you show me that when you work really hard for something, you can do anything."

Well, I didn't do this by myself. Yosayra was a super mentor during these past few months because, well, she had to deal with me. lol. It was cool though, she was there for me when I needed to vent and--now that I think of it--she kind let me do my own thing. She just gave me her advice and support and then it was up to me to figure out what I was going to do. Aw, mentor love right here. I keep learning things from her, even in just watching how she supervises us. I hope I'll be an awesome supervisor like her one day. Yeah, she still scares me sometimes, but I think all of the PLs really looked up to her. She was real with us and--let's face it--us college folks like real people. hahaha.

Lindsay the RockStar. I'm really glad she let me use her office every time we had to make phone calls because even though it took me 2x longer to make calls, I didn't really mind because I'd always leave chuckling. The day she took me out for dinner is probably what kept me from going crazy this summer because it just served as a reminder how much everyone cares about me. Oh, and did I ever talk about Lindsay's expectations? They're really high. hahahaha It's good though. Lindsay always teaches me that I can always do better.

Liz! Liz, oh, Liz. This experience would have been completely different if we didn't have Liz. Liz is so awesome and so cool and--even right now--I miss her a lot. There' s a piece of me that feels like my best friend moved away when Liz left, but we're still keeping in touch, so that keeps me happy. =] Liz is amazing. She was always so caring and listened to me when I went off on rants and, honestly, our team wouldn't have developed so much if it weren't for her help. It's weird, but I think we both agreed that we felt like we were going to see each other again some day. I bet the world of student affairs will reunite us one day.

*sigh* Well, I think this marks the end of an era. (Well, at least for me it does.)

=]

"So I Brought You an Ice Cream Sandwich..."

Well, I really don't know where to begin. There were so many things going through my head last week. All I can say is that being a PL never fails to challenge me...
I guess I'll start with Lindsay. We got to have a talk session last week which was really cool and something I now realize I needed. This job can get overwhelming sometimes. It feels like people always come to me--and I love it, but at the same time, it's a lot. I have all these concerns swirling in my head all the time and they're just not going away. I keep thinking about this job. I was getting better at separating my life and work, but sometimes, I feel like I'm going backwards.
It's really hard though, especially during PL. It's like the work never stops. I don't just work with these people, I live with them too and people will bring up random concerns or questions to me at random times, so it's hard to have that balance. What I'm conflicted with is trying to help people, but helping myself too. I love that people can come to me and talk to me and they look up to me and stuff, but I'm not a superhero. I don't want people to stop coming to me, but at the same time, I want to just have time to focus on myself too...
Ever since my talk with Lindsay, I've been feeling a little better. I try to keep some things she told me in mind like set your boundaries, or that maybe people just want you to listen to them... To take care of myself because no one else will if I don't.
I think things are getting better as a whole about this whole experience though... One of the PLs came up to me the other night and thanked me for everything and gave me an ice cream sandwich, which was so cute that I started to cry. lol I love my roommates a lot and I continue to have bonding sessions with people and it's not even so much as me in my Plc role, but me in a friend role, which is kind of nice. We have a really good team, we really do.
It's rough sometimes, but I'm really glad I have people who helped along the way. Our grad intern, Liz, is amazing. She's so easy to talk to and she kind of just gets me. The more I get to know about her, the more in common we seem to have, which is really cool. I look up to her a lot, especially since she's still in grad school and studying student affairs. I can kind of see myself like her in two years, which probably sounds really weird, but yeah hahaha
I really have no idea what I would do without Yosayra and Lindsay. Their support and belief in me is what keeps me going. I'm glad I have a strong relationship with them because, sometimes, I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to and they're always there to help me out. Sure, sometimes they might spoil me, but I really, really appreciate everything they do for me. They are the best mentors in the whole, wide world. =]

Summer Has Just Begun

It's been a while! Everything's been so hectic since the start of PL in the beginning of the month...actually last month. (I just realized it's July--seriously?) Well, I haven't really been able to catch my breath and I decided this weekend was going to be a good weekend to come home, relax, and just take a step away from everything for a little bit.

I haven't really gotten a chance to stop and self-reflect about everything I'm experiencing this summer, so I figure a good blog post would be a good starter. Well, I can honestly say there is never a dull moment in being a peer leader. This year's team is amazing. There are no words to describe it, but everyone is really open and understanding to each other and I'm not gonna lie--the whole team surprised me because I never expected that!

This year is different in that being PLC is really teaching me a lot. It's weird though. I think I expected something a little different. I feel like the past two years, I felt like I was pushed out of my comfort level and--through that--discovered a new level of potential that I have. I kind of expected the same thing for this year, but it doesn't really feel that way.

During everything so far, there have been moments when I was initially nervous about something, but I knew deep down inside that I could do it. During the retreat, there was a little piece of me that didn't think I could go through the high-ropes course and zip-line down and I'm sure I was pretty certain for a few weeks that I was going to throw up in the transitions skit because I was so nervous. But, I did both and I'm really proud of myself, but for some reason, I didn't feel as I was pushed out of my comfort zone. I didn't really doubt myself, I was just nervous. I'm not really sure what it means. Hm.

I'm definitely still challenged, no doubt about that. It's really hard to be a team leader--really hard. I sometimes wonder what thoughts went through the minds of the two PLCs before me during their summers. I love this team so much and I'm giving my all into making us a really strong team, but it's hard sometimes. I guess I try to make things perfect, even though they can't be. I just want everyone to have a positive experience, that's all.

With that said, I think I'll head to bed. There's more to think about, but my mind is cleared for now. Good night, world!

Confidence

So, I went to go have lunch with Yosayra today and Michele and her daughter joined us too, which was really cute hahaha It was really nice though, just kind of a chance to talk about things and relax, which is kind of what I've been looking to do with the people I work with since we're not in complete crazy mode right now lol

My search for grad school has begun and I have a list about 60 schools along the East Coast--yes, 60. I'm going through them one by one looking at programs and assistantships and anything else that might peek my interest. It's hard going through so many schools, but I want my options to be open. If need be, I'll go past the East Coast. I guess I really want this.

Anyways, Yosayra and I talked about my end-of-year evaluation in the program. It's due in a few weeks, but orientation season is right around the corner and I know there's no way there's going to be time for us to sit down and talk. I'm really glad I chose Yosayra to serve as my mentor for this program. She really just...gets me. It makes things a lot easier because I don't have to really spend that much time explaining how I feel or anything because she's compassionate and has really taken the effort to get to know me. Actually, now that I think of it, I've only know her for like...a year and a half and I've learned so much from her.

I've grown a lot this year from being a Fellow and I've met some pretty awesome people and couldn't be more grateful for how lucky I am. What Yosayra said I needed to keep working on was my confidence. It's frustrating, but I know she's right. I need to just trust myself. The thing is like, I feel like I do, but realizing how much I rely on my mentor makes me think differently. I'm definitely on my way; I know that. I guess I just think there's like...another level that I don't know yet, something I have yet to reach, but I don't know how to get there and I guess that's where my challenge lies. I know I can do these things. I KNOW I can. I have the ability to, but at the same time, I'm just so damn careful about everything going right all the time that that's my weakness. That's it, isn't it? I'm confident in what I know I can do, but I struggle when it comes to things I've never done before.

I have to push myself out of my comfort zone and trust myself that I'm going to be okay. There's one sentence that Yosayra wrote that really stood out to me: "I have what I call a tough love approach with her because I see so much potential for her and believe she can do anything she sets her mind to." I think it's just awesome that my mentor believes in me this much and as much as I rely on her, I know deep down (really deep down) inside that I'm doing a disservice to myself. Sometimes, yeah, I do appreciate the tough love because I know it's what I need.

Peer Leadership starts back up again soon and while I know it's going to be a lot of fun, I know I'm going to be running into challenges as well. I know a lot is going to fall on my shoulders, but I just have to remember my role is to help lead the team, not be the team. I have to trust myself too. I know my mentor's not going to be able to always be there. Orientation season is crazy and there isn't going to be time for confidence boosters. I have to learn to provide these for myself.

The reason why I love Peer Leadership so much is because of the challenge. I've continuously been challenged, and I only expect this year to be my biggest challenge so far. I've grown a lot since I first started the program two years ago and I keep coming back because I want more. I just have to step up and take them on. I don't know what I'm so afraid of. I can do it. I know I can.

The "S" and the "G" Word

Junior year is done. Junior year is done. Wait--maybe if I say it one more time, I'll believe it. Junior year is done...

It's crazy. I still don't believe that I just finished my third year of college. It's been a little over a week, but I guess it's official now--I'm a--I'm a--Senior... (Yes, that's the "S" word.) Every time the word Senior or Graduation come out of my mouth, I feel like throwing up. It baffles me that Senior year is what's next, that--in a year--I'll be graduating. GRADUATING. Seeing the word on the screen just sent a shiver up my spine.

Well, I'm slowly trying to emotionally and mentally prepare myself so I hopefully don't have a breakdown, even though I have a strong feeling I will one day come to cry in Morehead Hall. I've probably said this about 100 times, but I can't say it enough. I'm really grateful for having the opportunity to work in such a great place with such amazing people. I've been working there since my freshman year and they have literally taken care of me. It has become my second home.

I was talking to Michele today and I was telling her how nervous I was about becoming a senior. I started telling her the classes I'm taking next semester and how I'm going to be interning at a different department in the Fall and she stopped me and said, "wait! You're not going to be here in the Fall?!" hahahaha To which my reaction was of course I'm going to be here!!! hahaha But yeah, she told me something that made me a little nervous, but made me smile at the same time: she told me that I was ready for grad school. Gah. hahaha. That's crazy, but it means a lot coming from Michele. *takes deep breath* This is going to be a crazy journey.

I learned so much in my Junior year. How I began my Junior year and how I ended it were completely different. I had a lot to figure out--a lot. It took me a lot of time to figure these things out and I'm probably still figuring some of the stuff out, but I made some pretty crazy changes: decided to change my career, majors/minors, jobs and not to mention all the things I learned about myself and others.

Now that it's summer, I can finally get a start on my grad school search. I'm working in the office till Peer Leader starts and I'm really excited for what's to come. Keep moving forward, yo.

Cupcake Time.

I've been a been a bit grumbly the past week (fine, two weeks or so) at work and I wasn't really sure why. I found myself starting to be slightly anti-social, and irritated when people started talking to me because I kept losing my focus on the projects I was working on. In addition to being PLC, I was given other duties as a Peer Advisor and I guess it just became too much for me. To be fully honest, I knew I wasn't giving 100% to both of my jobs. I found myself scrambling for icebreakers and activities just a few hours before training and it was hurting me that I wasn't wholeheartedly dedicated to something I promised myself to be. It drove me insane. I was caught up in the world of Field Guides and it was literally never ending until this past week.

I started working on the Field Guide last year when I was a student assistant last year and I didn't mind it too much. It took a while, but it was just editing and updating information about the campus. This year, I played more of a role in designing and structure of the Field Guide and, oh, there were three of them. Yeah, I said it--three. One for first-year students, transfer students, and families. I realized just now how crazy that is. No wonder I was anti-social! hahahaha Well, I guess with all of that on my mind and everything else I find myself doing, I found myself overwhelmed.

It's a lot to handle now that I think of it and it's times like these when I really have to learn to say no. I told Yosayra how I was feeling earlier this week and she helped my by talking to Lindsay. I just chuckled because I went into Lindsay's office the day after and one of the first things she told me was, "Jossie told me to lay off." hahahahahaha

I'm really happy Yosayra and Lindsay mentor me. They're really understanding and that's what I like most about them. They've helped me out a lot, especially this year with helping me figure out my, well, whole life. hahahaha. It's so weird. SO weird to think that in just a year, I'll be graduating. I guess it'll be weird because I'm so comfortable and I'll soon be making all these decisions by myself and they won't be a few feet away from me to ask them for advice. Well, maybe they will be, but I gotta get my master's first! hahahaha. I crack myself up.

Sometimes, I randomly remember that conversation I had with Yosayra a few weeks ago. She told me how she's trying to make me self-reliant and self-sufficient because she's not always gonna be right there to help me and I have to learn to trust myself. It's true. I always find myself second-thinking myself and asking others for opinions just to make sure what I'm doing is right. I guess sometimes...I have to take risks and just kinda figure things out on my own. I've come a long way and I've grown a lot and, to be honest, I'm not sure why I don't trust myself sometimes. I guess it's just something I have to learn. It'll come through.

Anyways, bringing it back to this week, Yosayra and Lindsay let me focus on my bigger projects and the field guides are done! Lindsay bought me cupcakes and they seemed to be a cure! hahaha I feel a lot better. My last day of PA for the year is Tuesday and then I have a week off to focus on my finals. So far, it's a good ending to the semester. I don't feel as crazy right now and it's all thanks to my awesome mentors and some awesome cupcakes.