In a Weird Place

About two years later and I come by this blog now and then when I am in need of deep reflection--in moments when I feel like I have lost myself, I come back to my writing.

It has been two years since I've been in this program and I feel like I've lost my place in the world. I was so focused and so determined, but I constantly find myself forcing myself to push myself when these things would come so naturally in my life. Part of me has thought that I've lost my why and revisiting this blog helps me to remember how much hope I had.

I still believe in the importance of what I do, in the career I have chosen for myself, but there is something off that I haven't been able to pinpoint in the past year or so.

I think this program has beaten me up--mentally, emotionally, and in some ways physically--as I think about the consequences my body has endured over the past year. Perhaps, it is not the program itself, but the way it's challenged me to a point where I sometimes don't feel ready, even though I'm already in it. It's too late to be ready. I need to be going, but I struggle with it on a constant basis.

When working with my students, the question that would naturally come at this point would be, what are the challenges that you feel have been affecting you in the past year or so? The answer to that is complicated and comes with its layers that have all intertwined with being in school, trying to balance work, and taking care of myself.

I will say that I've taken the past year and a half or so to start going to therapy consistently. It's a process that has had me think about how moments in my life have impacted me in the long-run. I'm more mindful and in-tune with my thoughts and emotions, which would be a little bit easier to manage if I wasn't trying to get a Ph.D. at the same time. These are both important to me and I want to commit myself to both, but if I'm being honest, sometimes, I feel like I can't dedicate myself to both.

This past winter break, I thought about stopping my program. It wasn't one of those moments and I feel like dropping out and I was just kidding, I sat down and thought about what made me start in the first place, how this aligns with my goals, and how important it is to me to be a role model and provide opportunities for others. I have the support for my supervisor, my best friend, and (most times) from my family. I am not in the best place, but I have decided to keep going. At times, I feel like I am tumbling, but I have felt better and been able to get up from time to time. I figure slowly but surely will continue to work on myself while balancing school and the rest of the things life demands.

After my grandma passed in April, I began to realize how important it was for me to take care of myself and take some of the pressure I always put on myself. From people that always pushed me, I was told to take care of myself. In the years of knowing these people, the message was always to be better, to go faster, to be greater. For the first time, they told me to take a break, focus on my health and I realized how important it really was. I realized that therapy was something I wanted to commit myself to and I didn't have to always have something wrong in my life to talk to someone because life is filled with ups and downs and it's important to reflect and understand experiences of all types.

For the time being, I continue to be in this swirl, but I hope that a time will come soon when I can feel more at ease, on track, more focused and am excited about what will come and become. In the meantime, I am in a weird place.

Sigue Adelante

It's been about a year and a half since my last post.

I would have updated this earlier if I didn't think of myself as a failure this past year.

I took my GRE that time and applied to the doctorate program. I didn't get a "no," but I didn't get a "yes" either.
I got a year.
What came with that year was a multitude of feelings, but mostly those of anger, frustration, and doubt. For a brief moment in my life, I felt confident. Confident that I was going to get in. That's what all the voices surrounding me told me to the point where I believed it--and I was proven wrong. I was not ready.

I took the year to self-reflect about why I wanted to pursue a PhD. I took the feedback that was given and have worked tirelessly to really focus. I read and read and wrote and wrote and have spent hours thinking about all of this information I was putting into my head.

This week, I received notice that I was accepted into the doctorate program. In a handful of years, I will be Giovanna M. Tello, PhD.

It is not those letters after my name that will make the difference, but what will as a result of the education behind what I learn and produce. While I still struggle with my confidence at times, this process has only proven to me that this is something I have worked hard for and earned. Yet, this is only the first step. The journey will be a challenging one, but it will be worth it.

I can't help but to think of my parents in these moments.

As I sit in the library where I practically grew up, I remember the hours I would spend here: reading books, doing activities, and learning how to use the computer. It is because of moments like these that have instilled in me the value of learning and the value of education.

Years later, I continue to hold education close to my heart and have seen what an education has done for me and for my family. It is my responsibility to pay it forward.

Even though I felt like a failure a year ago, it is one year later and I am moving forward.

Sigue Adelante

Today is a Great Day. I Can and I Will.

I am currently sitting in a testing center about to take my GRE for the second time. This time, it is for my doctorate program. Anxious. I can do it. Today is a great dat. I can and I will.

We Meet Again

I'm sitting where I was three years ago.

At this hotel.

As I sit here and reflect, I think about where I was three years ago and how far my life has come since then.



It was three years ago when I was here for a conference and it is three years later and I am back for the same conference. I remember my first time walking into the hotel--astonished at everything, wondering how everything has come to be in my life.

I was a senior at MSU and came to this conference because I was very fortunate to receive an award for the work I have done with first year students at my undergrad. I was in a place where I was searching for the perfect graduate school and a place where I would spend the next two years of my life. A place I now call home.

Three years later, that part of my journey is over. I graduated and have my first full-time job and it's crazy to think what three years can bring to a person's life. I sit here excited, waiting to be with my higher ed family--MSU, FIU--and I am excited to see what this conference will bring.

While it may be three years, it is important to sit and reflect have far you have come--and how much farther you still need to go.


The Giovanna sitting in this chair is not the Giovanna that was here three years ago.

Lifting as We Climb

It's been five months since I've started my professional career and I feel like the work I do makes an impact everyday. It is rewarding to see the smile (and also a sense of relief) that I can bring to students. I feel the difference I make every single day and that feeling lets me know that I am doing what I am meant to do.

My reason for going into higher education isn't something I hide, but something I am proud about. It is mainly about my mentors: their challenges, their support, the opportunities they gave me, and for all the times they pushed me out of my comfort zone. They helped me to realize (and appreciate) who I am.

Starting my journey at FIU, this is the reason why I came here. I wanted to help students with the same challenges I faced and I could only hope to be a good role model to them. I've been fortunate to be able to have this opportunity to share with students and have them think beyond what they can see right now.

It is moments and students like these that drive me every single day.

"Lifting as We Climb" is a phrase I first heard when my mentor told me about a site called Latinas in Higher Education. As soon as I heard that phrase, it stuck to me and I really wasn't sure why. It made me think about having a responsibility to the people who come after me. While I just started my career, there are people who are still in high school or undergrad or searching for grad school and--even though I'm not too far ahead--it still makes a difference to lift as we climb.

I realize it is what my mentors did for me. I always wondered why. Why did they pick me to give these opportunities to? Why did they pick me to mentor? What was so special about me that I had people constantly pushing me up up up? Why me?

I look at some of my students and now I know why. Because--they too--are facing some of the challenges that I faced. Whether they know it or not, I see myself in them...and I know what they can become. Even if the experiences are different, it's the principle of overcoming what we sometimes feel we may never overcome and becoming what we sometimes feel we may never become.

That is why.

Big Girl Job

It's crazy to think that I started this blog three years ago in 2012 and how much I have grown since then. I remember sitting in my mentor's office working on my goals for the NUFP program and I thought that having a blog would be a good way to reflect on my journey to grad school. Three years have passed since and I have now stepped into my first professional role.

If it wasn't evident enough, the work that I did at FIU was something I fell in love with. I love being able to guide students through their college experience and there is just something about FIU that makes me feel like I am living the word "Opportunity." As a result, I accepted a position at FIU! YAY! This caught me off-guard and was not in my plans, but the opportunity came up and I knew I wasn't ready to leave.

So, I have actually moved to Miami now--investing in furniture, bills (gross), and even changing my address. It continues to be a transition since it's been about two months, but I know there's no place I'd rather be. While my professional journey has begun, I know there is a lot of growth that is happening (and will continue to happen) as I continue to get adjusted to my role. The only thing I can tell myself right now is to take it one day at a time.

M.S.Ed

It's official! I now have an M.S.Ed after my name.

It's crazy to think how much I've gone through and how much I've overcome these past two years. Bigger than that, I am grateful that I have been able to reach this moment in my life.

For my graduate symposium, I was selected to present on some of the work I've done during the past two years of graduate school. I picked a topic I have grown passionate about, especially from working at FIU and that is my work with Latino/s students. I titled my presentation: "Un Futuro con Esperanza (A Future with Hope): Access, Choice, and Retention of Latino/a Students in Higher Education." Essentially, it was about how it was important to not only make sure Latino/a students have the opportunity to get into college, but also make sure that they graduate with their degrees.

The background story comes from my experience as an undergraduate student. I remember sitting in my education classes as a freshman in college learning about the attainment gap. This gap that existed between minorities and education. It was shown by statistics. It was there; It was all there. People who identified themselves as minorities were barely graduating high school. I was lucky enough to be in college, sitting in that chair.

I remember leaving class that day feeling disheartened, knowing that the odds were against me. Yet, I guess I always had a little part of me that knew I was going to do whatever I needed to do to get my Bachelor's degree. Internally, I knew I was going to succeed, but I did not realize (until later on) the value it was to be a Latina with her Bachelor's degree.

I give all this credit to my mentor for calling me out one day in her office. I was in my junior year of college and I was still taking education classes and we had to bring in something from our culture and talk about it in class to share and learn about different cultures. I remember going into her office, telling her about my assignment and I tried to borrow something from her office as a quick escape from looking into something from my own culture, but she wouldn't let me. She told me that I had embrace who I was and it caught me a little off guard. She was right though. I was avoiding a part of me that was probably the most visible part of me: my identity as a Latina.

From that moment, I began to learn more about my culture and get more involved in Latino-related events and organizations in college. I began to appreciate my culture and learned to value what I brought to the table as a Latina instead of avoiding it, as I had in the past. I began to see that the challenges and barriers I faced in my life were more than just my challenges. They were challenges that mi cultura faced.

When I started to see this and realize that I was a part of something bigger than myself, I knew I had found my passion. I chose FIU because of the population of students--because I realize that it was my responsibility to help others like me. Education was the way minorities would become successful and I wanted to be that person to make sure I helped Latino/as not only get into college, but make sure they get an education and graduate.

And, so, I dedicated the past two years to this and have now dedicated my whole life to it.

The numbers are disheartening. While about 87% of Latinos value higher education, only 13% of them have a degree.

WHY isn't this number higher?

There are so many challenges based on identity, finances and culture. Right now, our minority students are not being supported as much as they should be, as much as they need to be--and something needs to be done.

So, to my 18-year old self and all those other minority students sitting in those high school and college classrooms: it is possible. You will earn your degrees. You are the future.

Once social change begins, it cannot be reversed.
You cannot uneducate the person who has learned to read.
You cannot humiliate the person who feels pride.
You cannot oppress the people who are not afraid anymore.
We have seen the future, and the future is ours. -Cesar Chavez