Location, Location, Location

As I've been looking through job postings, one of the factors that keeps standing out to me is location. I've organized everything to be similar to my grad school search in regards to having everything organized by institution, state, position, website, etc. While I have been taking a look at some really cool positions, I get a little hesitant when it comes to states.

I am a Jersey girl who had always been surrounded by the city--the fast-paced life of always rushing to go somewhere, see someone, or do something. It was a constant lifestyle, one I realized rarely gave me the time to stop and think--when I did, I felt like I was missing out. I felt the need to always be doing something. Looking for grad schools, I knew I could live in a big city and that is what I was primarily looking for because it was an environment I could survive in.

Now, if you haven't already heard of the familiar saying, there is a difference between surviving and thriving.

This is where my summer in North Carolina comes in. The lifestyle was so different, so calming. I could take the time to stop and think and reflect and feel at ease with myself. I didn't feel rushed or lost in a sea of faces, but I just felt that was how life was meant to be lived. To be honest, I think about North Carolina every day. I miss it. Of course, I miss the people I met, but I miss the times when I would go downtown by myself and just sit in the park or walk into a bookstore and just be.
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I was at my best friend's house last week and we were looking at a few TED talks and my best friend pulled this one up:

It is about taking advantage of the time in your 20s and not waiting until you are 30 to start your life. I had heard this TED talk before and I remembered seeing a book about this. I looked it up and it was a book by this TED talk speaker called The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--and How to Make the Most of Them Now.

I bought it right then and there and it came in the mail today. The English major in me is already 1/4 done with the book and I found myself struggling trying to relate to this book. It seemed to be getting all these rave reviews, but it was just not connecting with me.

I consider myself very fortunate to have graduated from college knowing what I wanted to do and I think that is why I struggled to feel a connection to the book. I don't really feel lost. Sure, job searching is a little overwhelming, but I know I am in the right profession and field. I have the opportunity to be in graduate school and be studying something I love with a job I love.

I started to doubt my confidence reading through all these stories of people who felt completely lost and I started to wonder if this book was even for me. Being in your 20s is a time of exploration and figuring things out. By no means--I stress this--no means do I know it all. So, I challenged myself to try to think about this in a different perspective. Okay, this was a great read for me to help my students with major/career exploration, but I knew there had to be more.

I read about a story where a girl was in California and she "just wanted to go home" to Tennessee. I stopped to think about this because sometimes--I too--"just want to go home." Over the past two years, "home" has become something I find within myself--a connection to people, places, things and it has become less about New Jersey.
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When looking through these positions, I've come across positions all over the country in states like Oklahoma or South Dakota and I think to myself and I really going to do this? Will I really start a job in a state I don't see a future in? And then I started to think about where I actually saw my future and the answer was always New Jersey, New Jersey, New Jersey. I would go out into the world for a few years and return to Jersey when my parents would need help taking care of themselves and my life would continue where it started--in New Jersey.

When people ask me where I am looking to apply, I usually say, "I'm open to everywhere, but I think I'm going to focus on the east coast and eventually go back to New Jersey to take care of my parents." But this book had me thinking. What happens after I take care of my parents? Will I continue to live this life and come back to New Jersey? What do I want? And then I stopped reading. Because I had realized I kind of wanted what I wanted my parents to have, what they deserve--and a lot of that was based on location.

I always said the words "I'm open to everywhere" with a little hesitance and I never understood why. Why didn't I believe myself? If I said it enough times would I convince myself that moving anywhere would be okay? I think the reason why I was hesitant is because I always found myself being directed back to New Jersey, so what was the point?

For myself, I am still finding where I want to go. But, I've realized that while New Jersey may be a part of this journey, it does not have to be the destination.

Searching...

The job search has begun.

It's a little crazy when you think about it. I started this blog on January 1, 2012--almost three years ago after being accepted as a NUFP. I remember being so excited thinking that one day the day would come where I would get to be a professional in higher education and three short years later, the time has come.

Coming back to Jersey for the holidays, visiting my undergrad is a definite stop. I always need to stop by to see my mentor and update her on my journey. It is crazy to think that three years ago, I was deciding on whether I was going to be a high school English teacher or be a higher education professional. I chose higher education because it changed my life. Of course, I had positive experience with caring teachers in K-12, but I was empowered when I went to college and that's exactly what I want to do: I want to empower students.

Reflecting on when I first started, this has been quite the journey. I've lost count of how many planes I've been on and how many articles I've read, but what I do remember are these moments. These moments of fulfillment when I see a student have an "aha" moment or the moment when I walk into my office and find a thank you note from a student. It is all these moments--for and from students--that have taken me on this path.

Many people come into higher education from various background and various reasons. A lot of them were students leaders on their campuses like I was and we want to continue to have an impact. Yes, this amongst other factors are reasons why I am in this field, but I think a lot of it comes down to these moments and the people we had these moments with. If you read my previous posts, it isn't hard to see that I pretty much worship my mentors. They have been my rocks, my big sisters--and everything in between. It is because of them and how much they pushed me that I grew into the woman I am today.

I came across this article earlier in the week called "What Students Remember Most About Teachers" and while it's addressed from an older teacher to a younger one, I think the messages are what's most important.

As educators, we can sometimes get so caught up on our projects and our busy schedules that we forget that our students don't always want flashy powerpoint presentations or nifty handouts--sometimes, it's not what we do for our students, but who we are. I think that's why I look up to my mentors so much. While I see them as successful, it is not the responsibilities they have or the position they hold that matters to me, it is the people that they are--that is what I strive to be.

As I am in the process of "searching,"--searching where I want to live, what I want to do, the type of school I want to work in, etc. The most important thing I have to search for is the person I want to be for myself, for my students, and for the world.

Bring it.

Feed Your Butterflies

It's always a little hard to stop myself during the semester to stop, write, and reflect through this blog, but I am grateful for the times that I do. I have five days before I finish the semester and find myself sick in bed, knowing deep down inside that I pushed my body too much these past few weeks. It's grad school, so it's always an on-going challenge of balancing my personal life, my school, and my work, but it is always a work in progress.

As the semester is coming to a close, lots of feelings are starting to surface: feelings of uncertainty, feelings of excitement, feelings of hope, but at the end of the day, I know it is normal to have all these feelings.

Time and time again, I say that life is a journey and my journey continues everyday. Finishing up this semester, I know I am one step closer to finishing a part of my journey and starting a new one.

In five months, I will have my Master's degree.
This will be the biggest accomplishment of my life so far, one that I never even imagined fulfilling just a few years ago. But it is the closer that I get to this accomplishment that these feelings start to arise. Where will I go next? How long is it going to take for it to feel like home? Will I love my job? Will I connect with students? Is this the place where I will start building my life? And the answer to all of these questions is I don't know.

It's a bit terrifying, to be honest. I took this leap of faith a year and a half ago moving to Miami to start grad school and the time is coming for me to take a leap once again. It was my first experience moving away from home and I continued on my journey when I lived in North Carolina during the summer. It's gotten a little bit easier, the whole transition thing. I know what to expect. I know that I have to make an effort to connect with different people and start finding the places I like to go and things I like to do, but it's a lot sometimes. As I think about my next journey, I try to think if this is it. Will my life be filled with moving around the country to continue doing what I love? Will finding home be not within places, but within myself? When will I finally pick one place to settle down? They are all questions I think about daily, but they are sometimes the questions that I force myself to put aside.

Sometimes, you just have to trust your gut--and Feed Your Butterflies.
It is a saying I first heard from my NUFP family and I decided it was the perfect phrase to describe my whole experience: Feed Your Butterflies. It is when you're nervous to do something, but there is just something in your gut telling you to go for it--to just do it. I feel that a lot of times, people have butterflies in their stomachs and they don't pay attention to them and they're too scared to take a risk. That is the moment when you need to take the risk. It is a message I continue to spread and teach to my students--a message that my mentors taught me: to work hard, take risks, live life and--most importantly--never settle.

It is a message that I am writing to myself to look back on in a few months when I start feelings those butterflies in my stomach, feed your butterflies.

Letting Go

Before heading off to grad school, one of my mentors sat me down in her office and told me about her graduate school experience and how a main component of it was self-reflection. Through my graduate school search, she guided me through the process of self-reflecting and helped me to think about my purpose and how my education was going to help me fulfill that purpose. Through my first year of grad school and especially during this summer, I have continued on this journey of self-reflection.

After having my experience at UNC Asheville, I couldn't help but to realize a disconnection in my time at FIU.

I felt sad.
I felt homesick.
I felt lonely.

I didn't feel like that at UNC Asheville and I couldn't figure out why. I couldn't figure out why I had spent a year struggling trying to adapt to life in Miami and how feeling connected to North Carolina was so effortless.

I came to the realization that I came into both situations with a completely different perspective.

With North Carolina, I was looking forward to this experience. I was ready to jump right into my role and was completely open to learning new things, exploring, and challenging myself--and that is exactly what I was able to fulfill.

In Miami, I struggled with this. I tried to be more open, but now I realize that I struggled to let go. I struggled to let go of my time in New Jersey--but mostly--I struggled to let go of my time at my undergrad. In grad school, I kept looking back: to the peer leadership program, to my mentors, to my students. I didn't want anything to change. I wanted to make sure the impact I made continued.

I didn't want to let go.

I remember coming back to New Jersey in December and felt the need to try to meet up with everyone I could and felt frustrated when people were busy. I was only thinking about myself, to be honest and didn't consider that while I was gone, the world didn't stop and life went on.

Coming back this summer, I didn't feel that frustration as I learned to better understand relationships. One of my biggest fears moving away was the relationship between me and my best friend. We had been friends for 9 (now going on 10) years and I was afraid it was going to change. And it did. We talked a lot less because I was always busy with work and school and she was busy as well. At the same time, we are there whenever we need each other. We'll schedule a phone chat every few weeks to catch up and when we get together, it's like nothing ever changed. And that is when I learned some things are deeper than time and distance. This is what a true friendship is.

Experiencing that made me realize that everything's going to be okay.

Life is a transition.

Transition is about letting go of the past and embracing the future, but still remembering the lessons you've learned along the way.
It was okay to let go. I was holding on to so much for so long. I wasn't able to embrace what was right in front of me. This opportunity that I was so lucky to have been given. All because I didn't want to let go. And that brings me to the picture for this post. A quote by C.S. Lewis that I was told today over dinner,
"You have to let go at some point in order to move forward."

What Makes Home, Home

As mentioned in my previous post, part of my self-reflection journey this summer is defining home. I thought about it constantly while I was in North Carolina and realized the answers to these complicated questions can sometimes be as simple as we think they are.

What makes home is the connection.

It is an answer so simple, yet complicated.

I had a meeting with the Dean of Students at UNC Asheville and told her of trying to figure out the definition of home and her answer was as simple as that: it's the connection.

Now that I have a better understanding of what made North Carolina feel like home, it weird to think of it in regards to my future.

North Carolina felt like home for many reasons: the people, the staff, the community. It was just my type of lifestyle. I can't help but to think the lifestyle there is the way life is meant to be lived. It is calm and peaceful. People aren't in a rush all the time and they actually enjoy their lives on a daily basis--not just for a day or so, but just...it's a lifestyle. It makes me rethink a lot of things...where I want to live, the type of school I want to work in, etc.

Finding home has been one of my biggest challenges during my grad school journey and I think it's a challenge I am going to continue to face for a few more years. There are three places in my head right now: North Carolina, New Jersey, and Miami. It is difficult to sort out, but North Carolina was my home this summer. As for Miami, I struggled a lot (and still do) with finding that connection. And, Jersey, well, that connection is becoming less and less.

I'm somewhat optimistic about returning to Miami in a few weeks. I am starting my second year of grad school and I am living in a new place. It is a new chance to me to find that connection. At the same time, I remember the loneliness and homesickness I felt my first year there. Yet, I go back to Miami with a new perspective. A perspective of what home is and how I have the power to make it. I have done a lot of self-reflection and have personally grown a lot this summer.

A new adventure starts in a few weeks.

This Jersey Girl is in North Carolina!

It's been a little while since my last post, but it's been a solid five weeks here in North Carolina. My journey has taken me here during my summer internship and it's been an amazing experience so far!

There is a saying that goes, "Everything happens for a reason" and I believe me being here has been more than just an internship. It's been an amazing life experience.

I remember looking through piles of schools to apply to and looking at UNC Asheville. It was completely different than what I was used to with me always being in a large school and in a city. I remember sitting with one of my RAs and talking to her about there was just something...different...about the school and I so I applied. From the first conversation I had with everyone in the office, I was hooked. I felt an immediate connection that made me realize this "fit" people always seem to talk about. Luckily, I was offered the position and the experience has been perfect. It's everything I wanted out of this internship and more. I had the ability to work with an amazing group of people and supervise 15 amazing orientation leaders. I get to work with my co-grad who has introduced me to North Carolina and been able to work with our head orientation leader who is pretty much the most amazing student leader I've ever met in my life. No biggie. hahaha

In moments like these, I'm thankful for my mentors because they not only helped me to prep for this experience, but always guide me through self-reflection. Taking on this experience has been more than just an internship for me. It's been a way for me to pay it forward.

Ever since I was a Peer Leader, I always looked up to our graduate interns (we called them GIs). They were people who supported me during my first year as a Peer Leader and helped me to come out of my shell. They were people who challenged me in overcoming my self-doubt and they were people who were ultimately the strongest role models for me going into my grad school program. Even years later, I still continue to keep in touch with a few of them and they continue to support me on my journey.

I was actually skimming through my past posts a little while ago and I kept writing about Liz. Liz was one of my GIs when I was Peer Leader Coordinator my last year in the Peer Leadership Program. There were many challenges that year, but Liz always made sure to give me extra support when I was feeling stressed out and always had such a positive attitude that made me realize what it meant to be a great leader. It is because of people like Liz that I wanted to take on this role as an intern--to provide that support, but also challenge my students to help them to grow.

While the OLs were only here for three weeks, I feel like I was able to fulfill that role. I don't know how to describe it, but they were able to come up to me and make me laugh or tell me about their day or help them with concerns they had and it was amazing. I just think it's the biggest honor to be able to work with and help students. It's what makes me want my mentor's job time and time again. We looked up to her and respected her so much and just loved spending time with her and I couldn't help but to feel that--hopefully--my OLs felt that way about me too.

As the summer has gone on, I have come to realize that within the matter of two months, I will have lived in three states. It's crazy. This grad school thing really is a journey. I have come to love North Carolina. It's only been a few weeks, but it already feels like home, which is something I sometimes struggle with when I'm in Miami (and sometimes even in Jersey). Everyday, I think about what makes "home." Is it the people? Is it the culture? Is it food? Is it the weather?

There's just so much to factor in. Sometimes, I don't know where to start. I guess...it's just part of the journey.

"It Goes On..."

Coming back home after being away for eight months has been a little more challenging than I thought it would be. While in grad school, I thought about home everyday and missed it a lot. I would tell my students about the wonders of the great state of New Jersey and how there were just some things that were missing from Florida.

Besides things like food, the thing I missed the most were the people: my best friend, family, and mentors were the people I missed the most. What I think has to change for the future is learning to manage relationships from a far. I had a conversation with my mentor the other day about coming home. Yes, I miss people and I am trying to visit as many people as I can, but--at the end of the day--people have their own lives.

There is this famous quote by Robert Frost which ends with the following:

In three words I can sum up everything
I've learned about life: it goes on.

These are a few words that continue to play in my head during my journey. It reminds me that my life is changing as well as other people's lives as changing as well--and it is changing for the better. Yes, it is a struggle at times to not be next to my best friend of to not be able to give my parents a hug, but I think it is part of this whole thing called life. I am at a point in my life where I have worked hard for years and have been given the opportunity to go beyond my home to pursue my dreams. I am starting my own life and now it's just up to me to build the life I envision for myself.

One Year Later!

It's been almost a whole year since my last post! I completed my first year of grad school and it has been an amazing experience so far! It's been a while since I've written for fun/reflective purposes, but it is now something I want to start up again.

Here I am on the summer after the first year of grad school.

It's time for some hardcore self-reflection.