Letting Go

Before heading off to grad school, one of my mentors sat me down in her office and told me about her graduate school experience and how a main component of it was self-reflection. Through my graduate school search, she guided me through the process of self-reflecting and helped me to think about my purpose and how my education was going to help me fulfill that purpose. Through my first year of grad school and especially during this summer, I have continued on this journey of self-reflection.

After having my experience at UNC Asheville, I couldn't help but to realize a disconnection in my time at FIU.

I felt sad.
I felt homesick.
I felt lonely.

I didn't feel like that at UNC Asheville and I couldn't figure out why. I couldn't figure out why I had spent a year struggling trying to adapt to life in Miami and how feeling connected to North Carolina was so effortless.

I came to the realization that I came into both situations with a completely different perspective.

With North Carolina, I was looking forward to this experience. I was ready to jump right into my role and was completely open to learning new things, exploring, and challenging myself--and that is exactly what I was able to fulfill.

In Miami, I struggled with this. I tried to be more open, but now I realize that I struggled to let go. I struggled to let go of my time in New Jersey--but mostly--I struggled to let go of my time at my undergrad. In grad school, I kept looking back: to the peer leadership program, to my mentors, to my students. I didn't want anything to change. I wanted to make sure the impact I made continued.

I didn't want to let go.

I remember coming back to New Jersey in December and felt the need to try to meet up with everyone I could and felt frustrated when people were busy. I was only thinking about myself, to be honest and didn't consider that while I was gone, the world didn't stop and life went on.

Coming back this summer, I didn't feel that frustration as I learned to better understand relationships. One of my biggest fears moving away was the relationship between me and my best friend. We had been friends for 9 (now going on 10) years and I was afraid it was going to change. And it did. We talked a lot less because I was always busy with work and school and she was busy as well. At the same time, we are there whenever we need each other. We'll schedule a phone chat every few weeks to catch up and when we get together, it's like nothing ever changed. And that is when I learned some things are deeper than time and distance. This is what a true friendship is.

Experiencing that made me realize that everything's going to be okay.

Life is a transition.

Transition is about letting go of the past and embracing the future, but still remembering the lessons you've learned along the way.
It was okay to let go. I was holding on to so much for so long. I wasn't able to embrace what was right in front of me. This opportunity that I was so lucky to have been given. All because I didn't want to let go. And that brings me to the picture for this post. A quote by C.S. Lewis that I was told today over dinner,
"You have to let go at some point in order to move forward."

What Makes Home, Home

As mentioned in my previous post, part of my self-reflection journey this summer is defining home. I thought about it constantly while I was in North Carolina and realized the answers to these complicated questions can sometimes be as simple as we think they are.

What makes home is the connection.

It is an answer so simple, yet complicated.

I had a meeting with the Dean of Students at UNC Asheville and told her of trying to figure out the definition of home and her answer was as simple as that: it's the connection.

Now that I have a better understanding of what made North Carolina feel like home, it weird to think of it in regards to my future.

North Carolina felt like home for many reasons: the people, the staff, the community. It was just my type of lifestyle. I can't help but to think the lifestyle there is the way life is meant to be lived. It is calm and peaceful. People aren't in a rush all the time and they actually enjoy their lives on a daily basis--not just for a day or so, but just...it's a lifestyle. It makes me rethink a lot of things...where I want to live, the type of school I want to work in, etc.

Finding home has been one of my biggest challenges during my grad school journey and I think it's a challenge I am going to continue to face for a few more years. There are three places in my head right now: North Carolina, New Jersey, and Miami. It is difficult to sort out, but North Carolina was my home this summer. As for Miami, I struggled a lot (and still do) with finding that connection. And, Jersey, well, that connection is becoming less and less.

I'm somewhat optimistic about returning to Miami in a few weeks. I am starting my second year of grad school and I am living in a new place. It is a new chance to me to find that connection. At the same time, I remember the loneliness and homesickness I felt my first year there. Yet, I go back to Miami with a new perspective. A perspective of what home is and how I have the power to make it. I have done a lot of self-reflection and have personally grown a lot this summer.

A new adventure starts in a few weeks.