About two years later and I come by this blog now and then when I am in need of deep reflection--in moments when I feel like I have lost myself, I come back to my writing.
It has been two years since I've been in this program and I feel like I've lost my place in the world. I was so focused and so determined, but I constantly find myself forcing myself to push myself when these things would come so naturally in my life. Part of me has thought that I've lost my why and revisiting this blog helps me to remember how much hope I had.
I still believe in the importance of what I do, in the career I have chosen for myself, but there is something off that I haven't been able to pinpoint in the past year or so.
I think this program has beaten me up--mentally, emotionally, and in some ways physically--as I think about the consequences my body has endured over the past year. Perhaps, it is not the program itself, but the way it's challenged me to a point where I sometimes don't feel ready, even though I'm already in it. It's too late to be ready. I need to be going, but I struggle with it on a constant basis.
When working with my students, the question that would naturally come at this point would be, what are the challenges that you feel have been affecting you in the past year or so? The answer to that is complicated and comes with its layers that have all intertwined with being in school, trying to balance work, and taking care of myself.
I will say that I've taken the past year and a half or so to start going to therapy consistently. It's a process that has had me think about how moments in my life have impacted me in the long-run. I'm more mindful and in-tune with my thoughts and emotions, which would be a little bit easier to manage if I wasn't trying to get a Ph.D. at the same time. These are both important to me and I want to commit myself to both, but if I'm being honest, sometimes, I feel like I can't dedicate myself to both.
This past winter break, I thought about stopping my program. It wasn't one of those moments and I feel like dropping out and I was just kidding, I sat down and thought about what made me start in the first place, how this aligns with my goals, and how important it is to me to be a role model and provide opportunities for others. I have the support for my supervisor, my best friend, and (most times) from my family. I am not in the best place, but I have decided to keep going. At times, I feel like I am tumbling, but I have felt better and been able to get up from time to time. I figure slowly but surely will continue to work on myself while balancing school and the rest of the things life demands.
After my grandma passed in April, I began to realize how important it was for me to take care of myself and take some of the pressure I always put on myself. From people that always pushed me, I was told to take care of myself. In the years of knowing these people, the message was always to be better, to go faster, to be greater. For the first time, they told me to take a break, focus on my health and I realized how important it really was. I realized that therapy was something I wanted to commit myself to and I didn't have to always have something wrong in my life to talk to someone because life is filled with ups and downs and it's important to reflect and understand experiences of all types.
For the time being, I continue to be in this swirl, but I hope that a time will come soon when I can feel more at ease, on track, more focused and am excited about what will come and become. In the meantime, I am in a weird place.
