Confidence

So, I went to go have lunch with Yosayra today and Michele and her daughter joined us too, which was really cute hahaha It was really nice though, just kind of a chance to talk about things and relax, which is kind of what I've been looking to do with the people I work with since we're not in complete crazy mode right now lol

My search for grad school has begun and I have a list about 60 schools along the East Coast--yes, 60. I'm going through them one by one looking at programs and assistantships and anything else that might peek my interest. It's hard going through so many schools, but I want my options to be open. If need be, I'll go past the East Coast. I guess I really want this.

Anyways, Yosayra and I talked about my end-of-year evaluation in the program. It's due in a few weeks, but orientation season is right around the corner and I know there's no way there's going to be time for us to sit down and talk. I'm really glad I chose Yosayra to serve as my mentor for this program. She really just...gets me. It makes things a lot easier because I don't have to really spend that much time explaining how I feel or anything because she's compassionate and has really taken the effort to get to know me. Actually, now that I think of it, I've only know her for like...a year and a half and I've learned so much from her.

I've grown a lot this year from being a Fellow and I've met some pretty awesome people and couldn't be more grateful for how lucky I am. What Yosayra said I needed to keep working on was my confidence. It's frustrating, but I know she's right. I need to just trust myself. The thing is like, I feel like I do, but realizing how much I rely on my mentor makes me think differently. I'm definitely on my way; I know that. I guess I just think there's like...another level that I don't know yet, something I have yet to reach, but I don't know how to get there and I guess that's where my challenge lies. I know I can do these things. I KNOW I can. I have the ability to, but at the same time, I'm just so damn careful about everything going right all the time that that's my weakness. That's it, isn't it? I'm confident in what I know I can do, but I struggle when it comes to things I've never done before.

I have to push myself out of my comfort zone and trust myself that I'm going to be okay. There's one sentence that Yosayra wrote that really stood out to me: "I have what I call a tough love approach with her because I see so much potential for her and believe she can do anything she sets her mind to." I think it's just awesome that my mentor believes in me this much and as much as I rely on her, I know deep down (really deep down) inside that I'm doing a disservice to myself. Sometimes, yeah, I do appreciate the tough love because I know it's what I need.

Peer Leadership starts back up again soon and while I know it's going to be a lot of fun, I know I'm going to be running into challenges as well. I know a lot is going to fall on my shoulders, but I just have to remember my role is to help lead the team, not be the team. I have to trust myself too. I know my mentor's not going to be able to always be there. Orientation season is crazy and there isn't going to be time for confidence boosters. I have to learn to provide these for myself.

The reason why I love Peer Leadership so much is because of the challenge. I've continuously been challenged, and I only expect this year to be my biggest challenge so far. I've grown a lot since I first started the program two years ago and I keep coming back because I want more. I just have to step up and take them on. I don't know what I'm so afraid of. I can do it. I know I can.

The "S" and the "G" Word

Junior year is done. Junior year is done. Wait--maybe if I say it one more time, I'll believe it. Junior year is done...

It's crazy. I still don't believe that I just finished my third year of college. It's been a little over a week, but I guess it's official now--I'm a--I'm a--Senior... (Yes, that's the "S" word.) Every time the word Senior or Graduation come out of my mouth, I feel like throwing up. It baffles me that Senior year is what's next, that--in a year--I'll be graduating. GRADUATING. Seeing the word on the screen just sent a shiver up my spine.

Well, I'm slowly trying to emotionally and mentally prepare myself so I hopefully don't have a breakdown, even though I have a strong feeling I will one day come to cry in Morehead Hall. I've probably said this about 100 times, but I can't say it enough. I'm really grateful for having the opportunity to work in such a great place with such amazing people. I've been working there since my freshman year and they have literally taken care of me. It has become my second home.

I was talking to Michele today and I was telling her how nervous I was about becoming a senior. I started telling her the classes I'm taking next semester and how I'm going to be interning at a different department in the Fall and she stopped me and said, "wait! You're not going to be here in the Fall?!" hahahaha To which my reaction was of course I'm going to be here!!! hahaha But yeah, she told me something that made me a little nervous, but made me smile at the same time: she told me that I was ready for grad school. Gah. hahaha. That's crazy, but it means a lot coming from Michele. *takes deep breath* This is going to be a crazy journey.

I learned so much in my Junior year. How I began my Junior year and how I ended it were completely different. I had a lot to figure out--a lot. It took me a lot of time to figure these things out and I'm probably still figuring some of the stuff out, but I made some pretty crazy changes: decided to change my career, majors/minors, jobs and not to mention all the things I learned about myself and others.

Now that it's summer, I can finally get a start on my grad school search. I'm working in the office till Peer Leader starts and I'm really excited for what's to come. Keep moving forward, yo.