I Can't to I Can

Ever since I told my parents the top five schools I'm going to apply to for graduate school, I've received resistance, especially from my mom. Dad hasn't said too much. It's been a little frustrating trying to get them to understand that what I'm doing is something good. I have worked extremely hard my time at MSU and know that I have so much more to learn and I can't fully embrace my graduate school experience if my parents keep tugging me back and not letting me go.

It seems that this is something that reoccurs within families generation after generation, especially in the Latino culture. Whenever I talk to Michele about the latest reason why my mom says I'm not allowed to go to a grad school that includes me leaving home, she reminds me that she went through similar experiences when she was in my shoes. So, I've been thinking about it for a while now.

My aunt, uncle, cousin, and little cousin are here for the weekend and seeing how everyone treats my little cousin brings so much to light for me. Any little thing he did, one of them would chase him down or tell him to stop. Every time, there was a call for danger I heard a: "You're going to hurt yourself." "You're going to break something." "You can't do that." It literally came to the point where I could tell they would say that to him so often that he actually believed it. I just sat there observing my little cousin as he doubted himself. I'd hear him say things such as "I can't do that; I'm too small." "I can't do that; I'm not strong enough."

I know he's only three and my family does everything for his safety and because they don't want him to get hurt, but I think there are long-term effects to the way they treat him. Hearing the words "I can't" coming out of my three year-old little cousin kind of baffled me. He's three. He's at a point in his life which he shouldn't care about those things. He should be eager to explore and learn about things and it seems that he's only allowed to explore within "the safety zone."

It had me thinking that I was probably raised the same way. My parents were (and still are) super over-protective of me. They want me to stay in "the safety zone" because stepping outside of it has a higher potential for risk--and no parent wants their child at risk. I get that; I do, but what I also know is that I have to take these risks. I have to challenge myself. I know I have the potential to do anything I want as long as I stay focused.


So, when does the "I can't" turn into the "I can"?

I don't know.

All I know that my moment is now. Without knowing, my parents have pushed me to the end of "the safety zone" and--now--it's time for me to cross that line. It's a good thing! I always tell them that means they did a good job! hahaha I know they're nervous and concerned for me, but it's time for me to take that leap of faith. It's time for me to say and believe for myself that "I can."

"Do It."

OKAY! Well, ever since the last post, my grad school list has definitely progressed! After talking to Liz one day, I decided that it's time I finally get a move on this list! I believe I went from about 26 to 12 schools within half an hour of talking with her telling me to just "do it". I think that was a pretty pivotal moment in my search because I had been feeling this roadblock for such a long time. Since then, I've met with Yosayra and she helped me to filter a few more things out on last week. I guess it came to the point where Yosayra had to push me because I wasn't really moving along past 10 or so schools. (Liz said she used Challenge and Support theory on me.... -___- ) Well, it's working hahaha Yosayra said I should have my final schools by Monday (today) because I should really start working on my application process and she's right.

There's just a piece of me that's very careful with this whole process and I don't want to feel like I made any mistakes. I know I shouldn't be saying that because it'll all be a learning experience, but that's just how a little piece of me feels. I have four definite schools I'm applying to and I have three "maybes," which I'm going to look into after finishing this post.

This weekend has been pretty rough. Filtering through schools makes this more and more real. There's been parts of me that have been scared if I'll even get accepted into a program, nervous about leaving home, and, well, just...I don't know... overwhelmed I guess by everything this whole process entails.

I was just looking at the U of MD and they usually have like 120 applicants and only about 15 get in. FIFTEEN! Like what. It kind of had me thinking about the competition I'm going to be having when applying to these programs. Only 15 people, that's insane. But then something Michele told me once popped up in my head. I'm ready. That's it. I'm ready.

I have been working so hard during my time at college. I have put my heart into everything I've done. I have that eagerness to learn, enthusiasm, and dedication. I've had these incredible experiences from being PLC to going to a national conference in Arizona. I'm committed to this, yo. I can do this.

I'm great. I'm awesome. I'm THE BEST.


Confident, not Cocky.