It's Thanksgiving Break!

Yes! It's Thanksgiving break and I have five papers and three presentations due by Wednesday. I'm actually moving through them pretty swiftly, but it's still a lot to do. I officially submitted my first grad school application last week and will be submitting my next one on Monday. Submitting my first app was definitely a huge weight off my shoulders and I've been feeling a lot less overwhelmed since then.

Before Winter Break, I want to have everything submitted so I can fully embrace my break. It is a well-deserved one. This semester has been insane with work and everything else in the mix. I definitely have a better idea of how to work things out for next semester...

Things have been going well. I just wanted to update because it's been a while. Apps are being submitted, things aren't too bad. I've learned to take it a little easy with things and not get crazy about things, but it's a learning process. *sigh* The process continues!

I Can't to I Can

Ever since I told my parents the top five schools I'm going to apply to for graduate school, I've received resistance, especially from my mom. Dad hasn't said too much. It's been a little frustrating trying to get them to understand that what I'm doing is something good. I have worked extremely hard my time at MSU and know that I have so much more to learn and I can't fully embrace my graduate school experience if my parents keep tugging me back and not letting me go.

It seems that this is something that reoccurs within families generation after generation, especially in the Latino culture. Whenever I talk to Michele about the latest reason why my mom says I'm not allowed to go to a grad school that includes me leaving home, she reminds me that she went through similar experiences when she was in my shoes. So, I've been thinking about it for a while now.

My aunt, uncle, cousin, and little cousin are here for the weekend and seeing how everyone treats my little cousin brings so much to light for me. Any little thing he did, one of them would chase him down or tell him to stop. Every time, there was a call for danger I heard a: "You're going to hurt yourself." "You're going to break something." "You can't do that." It literally came to the point where I could tell they would say that to him so often that he actually believed it. I just sat there observing my little cousin as he doubted himself. I'd hear him say things such as "I can't do that; I'm too small." "I can't do that; I'm not strong enough."

I know he's only three and my family does everything for his safety and because they don't want him to get hurt, but I think there are long-term effects to the way they treat him. Hearing the words "I can't" coming out of my three year-old little cousin kind of baffled me. He's three. He's at a point in his life which he shouldn't care about those things. He should be eager to explore and learn about things and it seems that he's only allowed to explore within "the safety zone."

It had me thinking that I was probably raised the same way. My parents were (and still are) super over-protective of me. They want me to stay in "the safety zone" because stepping outside of it has a higher potential for risk--and no parent wants their child at risk. I get that; I do, but what I also know is that I have to take these risks. I have to challenge myself. I know I have the potential to do anything I want as long as I stay focused.


So, when does the "I can't" turn into the "I can"?

I don't know.

All I know that my moment is now. Without knowing, my parents have pushed me to the end of "the safety zone" and--now--it's time for me to cross that line. It's a good thing! I always tell them that means they did a good job! hahaha I know they're nervous and concerned for me, but it's time for me to take that leap of faith. It's time for me to say and believe for myself that "I can."

"Do It."

OKAY! Well, ever since the last post, my grad school list has definitely progressed! After talking to Liz one day, I decided that it's time I finally get a move on this list! I believe I went from about 26 to 12 schools within half an hour of talking with her telling me to just "do it". I think that was a pretty pivotal moment in my search because I had been feeling this roadblock for such a long time. Since then, I've met with Yosayra and she helped me to filter a few more things out on last week. I guess it came to the point where Yosayra had to push me because I wasn't really moving along past 10 or so schools. (Liz said she used Challenge and Support theory on me.... -___- ) Well, it's working hahaha Yosayra said I should have my final schools by Monday (today) because I should really start working on my application process and she's right.

There's just a piece of me that's very careful with this whole process and I don't want to feel like I made any mistakes. I know I shouldn't be saying that because it'll all be a learning experience, but that's just how a little piece of me feels. I have four definite schools I'm applying to and I have three "maybes," which I'm going to look into after finishing this post.

This weekend has been pretty rough. Filtering through schools makes this more and more real. There's been parts of me that have been scared if I'll even get accepted into a program, nervous about leaving home, and, well, just...I don't know... overwhelmed I guess by everything this whole process entails.

I was just looking at the U of MD and they usually have like 120 applicants and only about 15 get in. FIFTEEN! Like what. It kind of had me thinking about the competition I'm going to be having when applying to these programs. Only 15 people, that's insane. But then something Michele told me once popped up in my head. I'm ready. That's it. I'm ready.

I have been working so hard during my time at college. I have put my heart into everything I've done. I have that eagerness to learn, enthusiasm, and dedication. I've had these incredible experiences from being PLC to going to a national conference in Arizona. I'm committed to this, yo. I can do this.

I'm great. I'm awesome. I'm THE BEST.


Confident, not Cocky.

Road Block

It's crazy to think that in a short two months, all my grad school apps will be in. I'm having trouble believing it and I'm not sure why. Going to MSU, I came in with the idea that I was going to walk out an aspiring English teacher. Through all my education classes, I learned about how the percentage of Latina women who earn their BA isn't very high. Thus, I considered myself lucky even graduating.

Somewhere along the way, things changed... I'm now in my senior year being a student leader on campus, having a job that I love, and an internship that I know I'm going to learn a lot in. I have met incredible people who have challenged me and believed in me, even in times when I didn't. Going from point A to point B has been a journey I never saw myself taking, but I'm glad I've taken this path. I have grown a tremendous amount, have realized I can do so much more than I thought I was originally capable of--and I'm kind of amazed...

Now, I'm in the process of searching for grad schools (something I never saw myself doing) and it's weird. COOL. I MEAN COOL. It's cool. I keep thinking of where I am going to be a year from now and I have no idea where that'll be. I have worked so hard, put my heart into so much of what I've done and now it's coming to a point where I have to look at the next step. I still can't believe I'm here. I can't believe I'm looking at grad schools and just taking a huge step towards my future. It truly does baffle me.

I just got off the phone with one of the grad interns I worked with last year, Mckinlaye, and she helped me a little with sorting through my list. I feel like I'm at a road block a little bit. I'm at 23 schools and I know I have to get to single digits very soon, but there's a piece of me that...I don't know. It's not that I can't, because I can. It's not that I don't want to, because I do. I just don't know what it is, but there's something holding me back.

I just randomly remembered something I wrote on my journalism portfolio in high school:

This is what I want--what I need. Who I am and who I will be. And this is it, isn't it?
This is the beginning of me.

*sigh* Time to take big steps, yo.

The Beginning of the End: Senior Year

WELL, here it is in all its glory: senior year. I handed in my final audit this week and it felt weird for a little bit. It hasn't fully settled in yet, but I'm okay with that. I've still got a lot more things to do before I graduate. (Yes, I'm able to say the "g" word now.) I know I'll be okay though and things will work out. I'm sure it'll start to settle in next semester and I'll be zig-zagging again down the halls of Morehead Hall.

I started my internship two weeks ago and it's really cool. My main project is a research project where I'm working on a survey that's going to be sent campus-wide about religion and faith on-campus and in the classroom. I'm pretty excited about it because it'll give me a taste of what doing research is all about! I've also been to three programs and a meeting of the Latin American Student Organization, which were all really eye-opening. It's definitely going to be a great experience and I can tell my supervisor's dedicated to giving me a great experience.

I'm a Peer Advisor this year for CAST again and, well, it's CAST. It's my home. I'm only there two times a week because my schedule literally doesn't leave me any room to work any other days, which is bummer. Regardless, I try to make the most out of my 11 hours in the office. The search for grad schools continues and the support I have from the people at CAST is incredible. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be pushing myself as much as I am right now. I'm not getting much support from my folks at home about going out-of-state to go to grad school, so the support from the CAST staff means a lot to me...

I was talking to Michele yesterday and we were talking about advising (wow, okay, I sound like the biggest nerd). Well, that's what we were talking about and then she saw on my laptop about the FYE Fellowship and I was a little hesitant to do it because I feel like I have so much to do in so little time, but I think I'm going to do it. It's hard because I'm trying to balance being a student, work, my internship, searching for grad schools, studying for GREs and to add one more thing on my plate seems like a lot. I'm working really hard on everything--most importantly my school work (I'm determined to get a 4.0 this semester)--and it's exhausting. But, I know it's all going to be worth it in the end. Sure, my weekends are super lame, but I'm kind of okay with that because I know I'm giving my all to what I want in the long run.

To get back to what I was saying, I'm taking an organizational psychology class and our main assignment is creating an organization and every few weeks or so we have to talk about different aspects of our organization. For Monday, we're talking about the culture of the organization and I was talking to Liz about it a few days ago about how culture makes a difference in how people function in an organization. (I need to stop saying nerdy things!) Anyways, I was asking Michele about it because--if it isn't obvious--I love CAST's culture. You should have seen the look on her face. I don't even know how to describe it, but I think she saw something in me at that moment. It was really weird. hahaha So, she got out one of her books and gave me people's names that I could look up to learn about organizational culture and I found an article that I'm going to use on my assignment, which I'm really excited about! But yeah, it's just...moments like that make me realize Higher Ed is what I want to do. It's crazy, but I thank CAST for feeding my intellectual hunger hahahaha

So how I mentioned before, I was talking to Liz a days ago about the random higher ed talks we have and it was really cool A) because I got to see her after almost two months B) because it's Liz (duh) hahaha. I know it hasn't been that long, but I really miss the Liz and almost every time I go into work, at least one of us mention how much we miss our GIs. It's really weird just because I've kept in touch with our GIs from past years, but never to this extent. But, it's an awesome thing, so that's good. Talking to Liz this week made me feel so much better about so many things. I got to vent about a few things (haha) and just the random conversations we get into about higher ed are always so cool. (When is the nerdiness going to stop?) They really are though and I always love all the advice Liz gives me along the way...

Well, the journey shall continue. I think things will start to calm down around December. LOL Until then, ninja mode is on max.

Perspective, Priorities, and Purpose

So I've been working on this grad school list since I finished up PL and it's coming along. It's been weird though. In a year, I'll be getting ready to go to grad school, start a new chapter in my life, and begin to develop myself as a student affairs professional. It really just baffles me. I've been working with first-year students all summer and I never forgot what my orientation was like, my peer leader, and my whole first year as a whole. I remember it so vividly, but now, the beginning of the end is here: senior year.

There's a piece of me that's always freaking out and while the thought of grad school excites me, it scares me as well. Last time I was talking to Michele about grad school, she called me out because I was literally gripping onto my clipboard as I was talking to her about it. It's just a different experience and something new--a transition--and I'm nervous, but I'm glad because she always give me reassurance.

During transfer orientation last night, I was talking to her about how I've started my search and although I'm moving along, I'm a little unsure if I'm doing everything I'm suppose to be doing. I told her I'm still nervous, even though I know that I'll be okay, I'm just still nervous. So she sent me this article called "From the Barrio to the Academy: Revelations of a Mexican American 'Scholarship Girl'" by Laura I. Rendon. It kind of just talked about this woman who is high ed professional and how when she was going to go to college and grad school, she got some resistance from her parents and she was nervous to leave, but she followed through with her dreams and now she has her doctorate and works in higher ed. So I've kinda been focusing on that part of the article since there were some parts that I could really relate to and...I don't know...I've just been thinking about it. The end of the article talked about how institutions of higher education change minority students, but the students should change the institutions too.

So I sent Michele my initial reaction to the article and this is what I got back:

Reading that just made me smile. It's so cool that Michele shared that with me and I can't wait to talk with her about it. I remember that when I was going to Arizona, I was telling her how my parents were reacting and she briefly mentioned how her parents didn't let her go too far for her undergrad and it was just a Latino parent kind of thing, I guess. But--now that I think of it--I think she went to Alaska for grad school? I remember her telling me she used to live there one time... Hm. Maybe Michele and I have a lot more in common than I thought we did hahaha =]

What has me thinking the most is that last sentence: It has had a huge impact on my perspective, priorities, and purpose. So, entering my senior year and getting ready to apple to grad school, what's my perspective, priority, and purpose?

The End of an Era

I made it!!!!!!! hahahahaha

I don't even know where to begin. We had our banquet last week and now I'm just at home chillin'. Well, I still have my cough and a sore throat, but I'm on antibiotics, so ninja is on her way to being back to 110% =]

Like how I mentioned in my last post, being PLC is definitely a challenge. I have grown a lot and learned a whole lot from the position and from the PL Program in general. I am so so so so so grateful to have been given this opportunity three times. It's almost too good to be true because I know there are some people who never get this opportunity at all... Thinking back on all three years, it's crazy how much I've grown from this experience. I remember my first year and how quiet I was and how Jason helped me break out of my shell my first year. It was only a few years ago, but it feels like such a long time ago.

The banquet was a nice wrap up of everything. I'm so proud of everyone and how much they've grown... In my eyes, everyone has grown--even if it's only a little bit--from this experience. This team was phenomenal. Yeah, we had our ups and downs, but all good teams do and it's fine as long as we make ourselves better, together.

It's weird because in the back of my mind this whole summer, I kept thinking if I was doing a good job. Yeah, I had Yosayra, Lindsay, and Liz told me I was doing a good job lots of times, but--to be honest--hearing it from my peers made me feel like I was really doing a good job. I was literally showered with love at the banquet. I got the award for most dedicated and passionate and the above and beyond award too! What kind of caught me off guard was how I was going up to get the award and I saw my roommate, Anny, stand up and start clapping for me and then (I guess I took a bit to walk up there) I was in the front of the room and the whole room gave me a standing ovation. Even thinking of it now, I'm still baffled by it. I've never...had that happen to me before. It was so weird, but so amazing and rewarding at the same time. A bunch of the PLs also came together and bought me a new iPad case (with a keyboard!!) and it's going to be so helpful once classes start! I also got a frame with pictures from my past three years as a PL and one with my name and words that people described me with. Gosh, I feel so happy inside.

It's just rewarding. I hope I never ever forget those moments. I got thank you cards and people wrote the sweetest things in them and I put all of them up on my door so I can see it everyday. Wow. Gosh. It's just weird... This year was different. I went back to the apartment after the banquet and cried. It's just weird. People kept thanking me for everything and wrote how they look up to me and I'm a role model for them---like what? I've never had so many people look at me that way before... But, it's good though. It makes me want to become a better person because people look up to me. =]

My roommate, Anny, brought our room together after the banquet with Liz and she thanked each of us and gave us presents, which was really cute. She made me a dream catcher and a key chain holder. What she said keeps playing over and over again in my head: "Girl, I don't even know where to begin. I look up to you so much because you show me that when you work really hard for something, you can do anything."

Well, I didn't do this by myself. Yosayra was a super mentor during these past few months because, well, she had to deal with me. lol. It was cool though, she was there for me when I needed to vent and--now that I think of it--she kind let me do my own thing. She just gave me her advice and support and then it was up to me to figure out what I was going to do. Aw, mentor love right here. I keep learning things from her, even in just watching how she supervises us. I hope I'll be an awesome supervisor like her one day. Yeah, she still scares me sometimes, but I think all of the PLs really looked up to her. She was real with us and--let's face it--us college folks like real people. hahaha.

Lindsay the RockStar. I'm really glad she let me use her office every time we had to make phone calls because even though it took me 2x longer to make calls, I didn't really mind because I'd always leave chuckling. The day she took me out for dinner is probably what kept me from going crazy this summer because it just served as a reminder how much everyone cares about me. Oh, and did I ever talk about Lindsay's expectations? They're really high. hahahaha It's good though. Lindsay always teaches me that I can always do better.

Liz! Liz, oh, Liz. This experience would have been completely different if we didn't have Liz. Liz is so awesome and so cool and--even right now--I miss her a lot. There' s a piece of me that feels like my best friend moved away when Liz left, but we're still keeping in touch, so that keeps me happy. =] Liz is amazing. She was always so caring and listened to me when I went off on rants and, honestly, our team wouldn't have developed so much if it weren't for her help. It's weird, but I think we both agreed that we felt like we were going to see each other again some day. I bet the world of student affairs will reunite us one day.

*sigh* Well, I think this marks the end of an era. (Well, at least for me it does.)

=]