Leadership Development Plan

As the capstone of my leadership minor, I'm taking the final course in Leadership Development. While my brain is on overflow with theories and competencies and such, I'm wrapping everything up in my Leadership Development Plan.

Reflecting on my past semester, I've definitely learned a lot about leadership, students, and myself. I'm one question away from finishing and I came across this question: What help do you need or want as you begin this journey? Who can provide it? What can you do to make sure you get it?

The first person that came to mind was my mentor. Thinking about everything has made me realize how much of an impact she has had on me in my journey. And this is what I wrote as my response: In achieving my vision, the person I look up to the most is my mentor. What I have found that helps me to succeed is the encouragement that she gives me. As my time at MSU is coming to an end, my mentor is very set on making me more independent and confident in the decisions I decide to pursue. At the end of the day, she has taught me that I need to find these things in myself. I have to be confident in my abilities and in the decisions I make in order for me to become the type of leader I want to be.

Through everything, I learned that, yeah, having people support you helps along the way, but in order for me to really make some change and achieve my vision, I've gotta believe in myself.

There's a little piece of me that's starting to realize my last semester is approaching. Last week, Yosayra gave me a Christmas card telling me how she's gonna miss me and my sassiness and it made me sad.


*sigh*

It's Thanksgiving Break!

Yes! It's Thanksgiving break and I have five papers and three presentations due by Wednesday. I'm actually moving through them pretty swiftly, but it's still a lot to do. I officially submitted my first grad school application last week and will be submitting my next one on Monday. Submitting my first app was definitely a huge weight off my shoulders and I've been feeling a lot less overwhelmed since then.

Before Winter Break, I want to have everything submitted so I can fully embrace my break. It is a well-deserved one. This semester has been insane with work and everything else in the mix. I definitely have a better idea of how to work things out for next semester...

Things have been going well. I just wanted to update because it's been a while. Apps are being submitted, things aren't too bad. I've learned to take it a little easy with things and not get crazy about things, but it's a learning process. *sigh* The process continues!

I Can't to I Can

Ever since I told my parents the top five schools I'm going to apply to for graduate school, I've received resistance, especially from my mom. Dad hasn't said too much. It's been a little frustrating trying to get them to understand that what I'm doing is something good. I have worked extremely hard my time at MSU and know that I have so much more to learn and I can't fully embrace my graduate school experience if my parents keep tugging me back and not letting me go.

It seems that this is something that reoccurs within families generation after generation, especially in the Latino culture. Whenever I talk to Michele about the latest reason why my mom says I'm not allowed to go to a grad school that includes me leaving home, she reminds me that she went through similar experiences when she was in my shoes. So, I've been thinking about it for a while now.

My aunt, uncle, cousin, and little cousin are here for the weekend and seeing how everyone treats my little cousin brings so much to light for me. Any little thing he did, one of them would chase him down or tell him to stop. Every time, there was a call for danger I heard a: "You're going to hurt yourself." "You're going to break something." "You can't do that." It literally came to the point where I could tell they would say that to him so often that he actually believed it. I just sat there observing my little cousin as he doubted himself. I'd hear him say things such as "I can't do that; I'm too small." "I can't do that; I'm not strong enough."

I know he's only three and my family does everything for his safety and because they don't want him to get hurt, but I think there are long-term effects to the way they treat him. Hearing the words "I can't" coming out of my three year-old little cousin kind of baffled me. He's three. He's at a point in his life which he shouldn't care about those things. He should be eager to explore and learn about things and it seems that he's only allowed to explore within "the safety zone."

It had me thinking that I was probably raised the same way. My parents were (and still are) super over-protective of me. They want me to stay in "the safety zone" because stepping outside of it has a higher potential for risk--and no parent wants their child at risk. I get that; I do, but what I also know is that I have to take these risks. I have to challenge myself. I know I have the potential to do anything I want as long as I stay focused.


So, when does the "I can't" turn into the "I can"?

I don't know.

All I know that my moment is now. Without knowing, my parents have pushed me to the end of "the safety zone" and--now--it's time for me to cross that line. It's a good thing! I always tell them that means they did a good job! hahaha I know they're nervous and concerned for me, but it's time for me to take that leap of faith. It's time for me to say and believe for myself that "I can."

"Do It."

OKAY! Well, ever since the last post, my grad school list has definitely progressed! After talking to Liz one day, I decided that it's time I finally get a move on this list! I believe I went from about 26 to 12 schools within half an hour of talking with her telling me to just "do it". I think that was a pretty pivotal moment in my search because I had been feeling this roadblock for such a long time. Since then, I've met with Yosayra and she helped me to filter a few more things out on last week. I guess it came to the point where Yosayra had to push me because I wasn't really moving along past 10 or so schools. (Liz said she used Challenge and Support theory on me.... -___- ) Well, it's working hahaha Yosayra said I should have my final schools by Monday (today) because I should really start working on my application process and she's right.

There's just a piece of me that's very careful with this whole process and I don't want to feel like I made any mistakes. I know I shouldn't be saying that because it'll all be a learning experience, but that's just how a little piece of me feels. I have four definite schools I'm applying to and I have three "maybes," which I'm going to look into after finishing this post.

This weekend has been pretty rough. Filtering through schools makes this more and more real. There's been parts of me that have been scared if I'll even get accepted into a program, nervous about leaving home, and, well, just...I don't know... overwhelmed I guess by everything this whole process entails.

I was just looking at the U of MD and they usually have like 120 applicants and only about 15 get in. FIFTEEN! Like what. It kind of had me thinking about the competition I'm going to be having when applying to these programs. Only 15 people, that's insane. But then something Michele told me once popped up in my head. I'm ready. That's it. I'm ready.

I have been working so hard during my time at college. I have put my heart into everything I've done. I have that eagerness to learn, enthusiasm, and dedication. I've had these incredible experiences from being PLC to going to a national conference in Arizona. I'm committed to this, yo. I can do this.

I'm great. I'm awesome. I'm THE BEST.


Confident, not Cocky.

Road Block

It's crazy to think that in a short two months, all my grad school apps will be in. I'm having trouble believing it and I'm not sure why. Going to MSU, I came in with the idea that I was going to walk out an aspiring English teacher. Through all my education classes, I learned about how the percentage of Latina women who earn their BA isn't very high. Thus, I considered myself lucky even graduating.

Somewhere along the way, things changed... I'm now in my senior year being a student leader on campus, having a job that I love, and an internship that I know I'm going to learn a lot in. I have met incredible people who have challenged me and believed in me, even in times when I didn't. Going from point A to point B has been a journey I never saw myself taking, but I'm glad I've taken this path. I have grown a tremendous amount, have realized I can do so much more than I thought I was originally capable of--and I'm kind of amazed...

Now, I'm in the process of searching for grad schools (something I never saw myself doing) and it's weird. COOL. I MEAN COOL. It's cool. I keep thinking of where I am going to be a year from now and I have no idea where that'll be. I have worked so hard, put my heart into so much of what I've done and now it's coming to a point where I have to look at the next step. I still can't believe I'm here. I can't believe I'm looking at grad schools and just taking a huge step towards my future. It truly does baffle me.

I just got off the phone with one of the grad interns I worked with last year, Mckinlaye, and she helped me a little with sorting through my list. I feel like I'm at a road block a little bit. I'm at 23 schools and I know I have to get to single digits very soon, but there's a piece of me that...I don't know. It's not that I can't, because I can. It's not that I don't want to, because I do. I just don't know what it is, but there's something holding me back.

I just randomly remembered something I wrote on my journalism portfolio in high school:

This is what I want--what I need. Who I am and who I will be. And this is it, isn't it?
This is the beginning of me.

*sigh* Time to take big steps, yo.

The Beginning of the End: Senior Year

WELL, here it is in all its glory: senior year. I handed in my final audit this week and it felt weird for a little bit. It hasn't fully settled in yet, but I'm okay with that. I've still got a lot more things to do before I graduate. (Yes, I'm able to say the "g" word now.) I know I'll be okay though and things will work out. I'm sure it'll start to settle in next semester and I'll be zig-zagging again down the halls of Morehead Hall.

I started my internship two weeks ago and it's really cool. My main project is a research project where I'm working on a survey that's going to be sent campus-wide about religion and faith on-campus and in the classroom. I'm pretty excited about it because it'll give me a taste of what doing research is all about! I've also been to three programs and a meeting of the Latin American Student Organization, which were all really eye-opening. It's definitely going to be a great experience and I can tell my supervisor's dedicated to giving me a great experience.

I'm a Peer Advisor this year for CAST again and, well, it's CAST. It's my home. I'm only there two times a week because my schedule literally doesn't leave me any room to work any other days, which is bummer. Regardless, I try to make the most out of my 11 hours in the office. The search for grad schools continues and the support I have from the people at CAST is incredible. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be pushing myself as much as I am right now. I'm not getting much support from my folks at home about going out-of-state to go to grad school, so the support from the CAST staff means a lot to me...

I was talking to Michele yesterday and we were talking about advising (wow, okay, I sound like the biggest nerd). Well, that's what we were talking about and then she saw on my laptop about the FYE Fellowship and I was a little hesitant to do it because I feel like I have so much to do in so little time, but I think I'm going to do it. It's hard because I'm trying to balance being a student, work, my internship, searching for grad schools, studying for GREs and to add one more thing on my plate seems like a lot. I'm working really hard on everything--most importantly my school work (I'm determined to get a 4.0 this semester)--and it's exhausting. But, I know it's all going to be worth it in the end. Sure, my weekends are super lame, but I'm kind of okay with that because I know I'm giving my all to what I want in the long run.

To get back to what I was saying, I'm taking an organizational psychology class and our main assignment is creating an organization and every few weeks or so we have to talk about different aspects of our organization. For Monday, we're talking about the culture of the organization and I was talking to Liz about it a few days ago about how culture makes a difference in how people function in an organization. (I need to stop saying nerdy things!) Anyways, I was asking Michele about it because--if it isn't obvious--I love CAST's culture. You should have seen the look on her face. I don't even know how to describe it, but I think she saw something in me at that moment. It was really weird. hahaha So, she got out one of her books and gave me people's names that I could look up to learn about organizational culture and I found an article that I'm going to use on my assignment, which I'm really excited about! But yeah, it's just...moments like that make me realize Higher Ed is what I want to do. It's crazy, but I thank CAST for feeding my intellectual hunger hahahaha

So how I mentioned before, I was talking to Liz a days ago about the random higher ed talks we have and it was really cool A) because I got to see her after almost two months B) because it's Liz (duh) hahaha. I know it hasn't been that long, but I really miss the Liz and almost every time I go into work, at least one of us mention how much we miss our GIs. It's really weird just because I've kept in touch with our GIs from past years, but never to this extent. But, it's an awesome thing, so that's good. Talking to Liz this week made me feel so much better about so many things. I got to vent about a few things (haha) and just the random conversations we get into about higher ed are always so cool. (When is the nerdiness going to stop?) They really are though and I always love all the advice Liz gives me along the way...

Well, the journey shall continue. I think things will start to calm down around December. LOL Until then, ninja mode is on max.

Perspective, Priorities, and Purpose

So I've been working on this grad school list since I finished up PL and it's coming along. It's been weird though. In a year, I'll be getting ready to go to grad school, start a new chapter in my life, and begin to develop myself as a student affairs professional. It really just baffles me. I've been working with first-year students all summer and I never forgot what my orientation was like, my peer leader, and my whole first year as a whole. I remember it so vividly, but now, the beginning of the end is here: senior year.

There's a piece of me that's always freaking out and while the thought of grad school excites me, it scares me as well. Last time I was talking to Michele about grad school, she called me out because I was literally gripping onto my clipboard as I was talking to her about it. It's just a different experience and something new--a transition--and I'm nervous, but I'm glad because she always give me reassurance.

During transfer orientation last night, I was talking to her about how I've started my search and although I'm moving along, I'm a little unsure if I'm doing everything I'm suppose to be doing. I told her I'm still nervous, even though I know that I'll be okay, I'm just still nervous. So she sent me this article called "From the Barrio to the Academy: Revelations of a Mexican American 'Scholarship Girl'" by Laura I. Rendon. It kind of just talked about this woman who is high ed professional and how when she was going to go to college and grad school, she got some resistance from her parents and she was nervous to leave, but she followed through with her dreams and now she has her doctorate and works in higher ed. So I've kinda been focusing on that part of the article since there were some parts that I could really relate to and...I don't know...I've just been thinking about it. The end of the article talked about how institutions of higher education change minority students, but the students should change the institutions too.

So I sent Michele my initial reaction to the article and this is what I got back:

Reading that just made me smile. It's so cool that Michele shared that with me and I can't wait to talk with her about it. I remember that when I was going to Arizona, I was telling her how my parents were reacting and she briefly mentioned how her parents didn't let her go too far for her undergrad and it was just a Latino parent kind of thing, I guess. But--now that I think of it--I think she went to Alaska for grad school? I remember her telling me she used to live there one time... Hm. Maybe Michele and I have a lot more in common than I thought we did hahaha =]

What has me thinking the most is that last sentence: It has had a huge impact on my perspective, priorities, and purpose. So, entering my senior year and getting ready to apple to grad school, what's my perspective, priority, and purpose?